The Fear Of Abandonment: What To Do If We Fear That Our Partner Will Leave Us
The fear of abandonment is forged in childhood and is expressed in adulthood. Fearing that our partner will leave us is synonymous with emotional dependence and insecurity. But you can fight it!
Did you know that one of the reasons why we do not express our feelings or thoughts is because of the fear of abandonment ? We do not even dare to talk about something that may annoy the other, so that it does not occur to him to leave and leave us alone. This fear may be linked to a traumatic situation from our childhood or adolescence, or to having been abandoned by an ex-partner. In any case, it is very important to work on it in order to feel liberated and safe.
The fear of abandonment: when and how it appears
Emotional dependency is like a great chain that ties us to another person. In most cases to a partner. And for this reason we are afraid that he will leave, that he will leave us, that he will forget us. Because we feel that without his presence we will not be happy, we will be empty and there will be no reason to smile.
They have led us to believe that we arrived in the world incomplete and that we could only feel whole the moment we found ‘our other half’. But that romantic myth is not true. We do not depend on anyone to be happy, to feel beautiful or to enjoy life.
Causes of fear of abandonment
The fear of abandonment usually begins in childhood, in the attachment relationship with our parents. It is true that the bond with the children is unbreakable. However, the special relationship of some parents with their children can generate dependency. And worst of all is that it remains recorded for the rest of its existence. Babies often feel anxious or sad when mothers are away from them. This is normal, as they embody safety and well-being. As soon as they return, the children smile and feel comfortable again.
On some occasions, they have not been taught to be self-reliant and independent. In this way, that attachment that seems so beautiful is detrimental to your personality. Why? Because then that child grows up and becomes an adult in need of attention from another person, which is probably a couple.
When we are adults
The fear of being abandoned continues and can be growing, to the point of not thinking about anything else. An adult dependent on love, and that ‘feeling of security’ when in a relationship is more likely to end up alone and unaccompanied. Of course, because nobody likes to be ‘anchored’ to an insecure person, without aspirations, without activities, without future goals other than doing everything possible not to be abandoned …
How to overcome the fear of abandonment?
It is not now about blaming our parents for the way they raised us, or that ex-partner who left us when we were happiest … but about working to heal our ailments and overcome our traumas.
In this way we can be free, independent and full, regardless of whether we are with someone or not. It is undoubtedly a slow and complex process. But with commitment and dedication the goal of feeling flat and satisfied with oneself is achieved. Do not try to be ‘autonomous’ from one day to the next, because you will not succeed. It is not about being pessimistic, but realistic. Take minimal steps and rejoice every time you make a positive change.
The first measure
As a first step, work on loving and respecting yourself as you are. But also take the opportunity to pamper yourself a bit without waiting for your partner’s approval or permission. It will not leave you because you start thinking about yourself … Quite the contrary! Remember that nobody likes to be with someone dependent 24 hours a day.
Look for activities where your partner is not with you. It can be going to the beauty salon, dancing Zumba or signing up for a cooking class. Even if he can go with you, the idea is that he doesn’t. You need to feel good without their presence.
How long has it been since you went shopping alone, to the movies or to have an afternoon coffee? Those could be your next activities! There is nothing wrong with sharing moments with yourself. And also, you can always count on a friend, the one who is always available and will make you smile. If you usually call or write to him several times a day to tell him how much you love him and that you can’t live without him, stop doing it. Reduce those messages to one or two at the most. Take advantage of that energy to focus on yourself.
Fear of abandonment: final comments
If you are very afraid of abandonment, the best thing you can do is talk to your partner. Tell him how you feel and he will probably give you several ideas to overcome it, with his help, of course. Unlike what you think, talking about it will not alienate you, it will bring you together, but in a more authentic way.
